Just, Jist.

The weather has been crazy lately, it's sunny one minute and then I hear thunder the next.

The unpredictability of it all has kind of gotten me on my tippy toes thus the need to raise my heart rate in order to get (the hormone that calms you down) going.
On the plus side, this erratic weather has brought pretty to my garden. Well, pretty while it lasts. There's this huge tree with white flowers and due to this autumn-esque season now, the flowers are falling all over my ground so it somewhat looks like velvety snow.
Then, we walk around in the garden, the cars pull in and out and they end up soft, mushy and brown. Boo, I even nearly slip on the slippery petals.
.
Have I mentioned, that I have this phobia that I am going to break a body part accidentally one day and be bed ridden for who knows how long? :( That's like putting a dog in the washing machine and spinning it round and round.
.
Not knowing what I'm feeling confused about, somehow hurts more than knowing what I'm confused about and being in, confusion. Because the earlier, has two parts of uncertainty to deal with, the earlier just has one. I think, I am tired. So, mentally exhausted. Tiptoe-ing nearer somehow causes a further pullback and withdrawal. Unintended, yet it seems the only possible way to go. My head feels so heavy, yet knowing it is completely empty and filled with pure trash stinks.
.
I wish people thought more carefully before saying certain things.
When it comes to bringing a certain memory up after trying so hard to suppress it for a fair bit already. I sometimes wonder, what it is I miss about you and why and what exactly it is I think about when you come into mind. So, often. When it comes to talking about issues that have to deal with everything that has to, and can be related to that certain genre.
And on my part, I wish I had thought more carefully before getting involved. Involved with you, and having taken too fast a chance with vulnerability maybe.
And involved with you, deceptive, confusing and strong- you. Who hides so much more than what you portray on your seemingly straight forward surface.
It's weird though, how shutting up brings up so much more noise than talking it out may silence.
Thing is, I feel I have completely lost my ability to relate, communicate and relationalise.
.
"Take care of Dad, yeah?"
She's lucky, ko. No explanation needed, maybe because I don't know how to give a proper, perfect one. And you know how I hate imperfection so much so that I rather have all or nothing. So, she just is.
'I wish, on my life that I could.' Problem is, I don't even know how to take care of myself right now- let alone anyone else.
.
I have (insert large number) of picture on Caspian that should be edited and uploaded but my horrific exam results prohibit me from doing so. That can't be considered as procrastination now, can it? (:
But to add a little something, because Rachel and me had this talk today and listed down (insert big number) of hunks today- I have narrowed down my list yet again, and because I think he's pretty dreamy-Don't we just love guys in suits.
*swoons*
.
'The reason I snooze my alarm clock in the morning, is because John Mayer isn't annoying enough to wake me up.'
There, my excuse (:
'Taa Lovely.

Blurred, Clarity.

'I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around.
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain.'
.

'And I will wait to find,
If this will last forever.'
Waiting, is never really all that fun though, is it?

Shhh.

My head is throbbing, everything is spinning and I am so terrified.
My hands are aching, they keep on growing and out of my shirt seams they're bursting.
Oh no that's not jello- it's my tummy.
Penguins waddle, and my legs wobble. Like the blubber on the big white creature which lives under the ice.
My neck is aching, my back creaking, cracking.
My throat is coarse and I feel like I just ate a horse.
Shut, up ):
I don't know how I've sunk down this far nor do I know why. I do know, that I'm unsure of how much more of this I can handle, pull through, masquerade.
There's this little bit of what I think, is Hope left. For what, for whom and how it is there- I do not know.
But with this Hope, comes an unexplainable longing for Faith, and that although I know bizarrely impossible right now, requires a little self Grace.
Self induced; Someone has got to be the dirty black sheep.
My chest is congested, hurting and my head is throbbing. I think I am exhausted but that doesn't feel deserved. I kind of just want to, pass out :/
.
I clean up pretty well, I fake and fraud a faux masquerade pretty convincingly. Because, underneath all this that seems alright- I'm actually downright, so screwed, messed and literally, 'f'-ed up.
I am, a liar.
I'm scared for myself because I know I could never do it by myself even before, but then you were at least there for that determination to not screw things up. You were there because I couldn't and cannot love myself, so I did it for you instead. I cannot seem to look pass that particular trauma, hurt and accidental incident. I cannot seem to let it go as hard and as much as I have been trying. Hence, I cannot do anything anymore. The willpower, determination and tiny push is gone. All in the blink of an eye.
Play, pause, stop. Rewind, replay. Delete, delete. 'Unable to delete file.'
It hurts the most because I love you so uncontrollably much. The thought of how I am scared and sometimes wished I didn't- so maybe it wouldn't be as painful is excruciatingly piercing. Because I just cannot, stop loving.
I try distancing, and although it feels like sticking a jagged splinter into a salt drenched wound- it somehow seems less scary as trying to amend the wrong I have done. Maybe, because running away is the less brave thing to do.
Seeing you with her, with him makes me angry yet unexplainably happy for you. Because I cannot be like them- sane, yet the fact that you have at least two good products is comforting.
.

Hurting, helps the hurt. So much, I just want to- finally break.
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"What's the point of having a blog?"
'To say things without, saying things.'
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You Are 45% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal, Other things you do are downright strange. You've got a little of your freak going on, But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?
,
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little-
unwell.

Nottoogood.

I don't like using laptops, because my fingers don't control the touchpad very well.
My internet connection is down though so I have resorted to using Daddy's laptop for a teensy quick update.
-I lost my voice this week, that's the most interesting thing that has happened because it's a first in my life. I sound like a toad and I squeaked when I laughed in the beginning but now I just sound, nasal.
-YiLin never ceases to amuse me. She whacks me on my leg and then goes- "I felt someone poking you." -_______-
Sighh, Slore (:
-I got National Service. Where they give you horrendous costumes to wear- blue and orange.
I sent a text message in to find out if I got selected and they replied me in Malay with a- 'Congratulations! You (Insert my name) have been selected for National Service (some weird serial number)'
How in the world, do they say 'Congratulations!' when they bombard one with such a horrific catastrophe? *huffpuff* -___-
-The brother is back (:He went to watch Transformers with his girl.
Sarah: Koo, I know why you wanna watch Transformers. Cause'f Megan Fox huhuh? :)
JoelLee: Why would I want to watch Megan Fox when I've got Gayle Yeoh? :)
*Stunned, Smile*
Now, what do you say to that? :)
-I am so, sick of all the waterworks.
Till the desktop works and I get Tyler connected for updates-
'Taa Lovely.

The (A)Frayed.

-I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself for going to school three days in a row this week and on a good note, my class people are really- fun. And I didn't need a thesaurus or dictionary to come up with that, description ;)
-Your, picture folder went missing this week. It's a was a scary situation, confusing coincidence, and obscure occurrence. Ironic thing is, I just asked myself days before, why I couldn't just delete you.
Looks like, I didn't have to do it myself. I don't know if I am glad, sad, relieved, disappointed and I'm still trying to figure out- what it is exactly that I miss about you. Thing is, I can't answer that, so maybe just maybe, miss isn't the correct word to use.
-I am hating, this life-LEE-ness. But, I don't know now to combat with rights seeing I have accumulated an infinite amount of wrongs already.
"..you must be so proud of her."
" I wouldn't mind, being a part of your family."
For both comments, I didn't exactly know what to say so I kept quiet and the guilt just raised its amount that much more.
This went beyond a mild white lie, it fell into the category of fraud, fake and failure. All the above who somehow over the years with the help of Bella, learnt to cover up all those enormous flaws, with a temporary masquerade mask.
-I did nine this time round. Because the sky was cloudy, the water was murky and at the back of my head as much as Bella told me not to listen to this statement, it wasn't pure.
-Another fortnight cycle. A cycle I am beginning to get tired of, loathe and just become numb towards.
-The brother comes back on Saturday and I am in all honesty, beyond the excitement- jittery. A more mellow word, for a monstrous terrifying feeling I am trying to suppress.
-I bruised my forehead in the playground when I fell and it swelled up. You took me to the hospital although I told you I didn't think I needed to. I was right, the doctor sent me home and said the swelling should go down in a few days. The next day in church, I had a blue forehead and wanted to leave to go home as soon as possible in the midst of covering my forehead with whatever strands of bangs I had.
I bruised my head on the wall at home today. It was a sudden shock of pain, just like when I fell down. This time you didn't take me to the hospital, you inflicted it. You didn't bring me to see a doctor, you put ice on it and rubbed it with medicine. I wanted to leave, just I wasn't sure to where I wanted to go. Sad fact is, I have noone else to blame, but myself. Screw Sarah, screw.
-I don't, like this. It's like beginning to fall, uncontrollably. :/
Sun's somewhat up so off to go to H20.
'Taa, Love.

A.

I don't know why it's so hard to tell you to shut up, get lost go away and just- let. you. go.
when there are times that I hate, detest and find you so utterly despicable.
How much you've sucked away, how much you hinder, how much you scare and how persistent you are in staying.
There's a contemplative pull towards both sides when something pretty walks by. The urge to follow that pretty, leave you behind and persist on attempting to beautify. And then, you speak out and negativity rises as fast as a rush of water when a dam breaks open. You tell me to block everything else out and just focus on you. On running, moving, swimming, loosing.
Because I think, deep down- you are actually really really, scared and insecure and worried. You wonder, ponder and would just rather stick to something tangible than deal with the invisible things which are not physically controllable. You, are terrified. And that terrifies me even more, too.
You are getting so, frustrating. And now, I'm not the only one who is starting to hate me uncontrollably- screw you.
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ivanlimhuan-wen. says:
When i grow up, i wanna be rich.
SarahLee. says:
I wanna grow up, and be happy.
It's hard right now, with how strong you stand on certain views.
Happy- It is being able to see the brighter side of things when worry, upset and negativity creeps up. It is living, life.
Because you are somewhat fictional, you don't live. And that is why as messed up as it is, the truth is I don't have a life right now.
'The chains of habit are too weak to be felt, until they are to strong to be broken.' -Samuel Johnson.

BaBa, Burst.

Olahh :)
It's been a bit since an update. I don't really know if there hasn't been that much to say, or I'm not ready to publish certain things just as yet because writing wise- it's not like there hasn't been any. They're just stored in Tyler's 'more detailed' folder.
I doo, have a few pictures he's captured with me lovely boy :)
-This is me, attempting to direct my Sim called Sara around Sim-ville using Gadiy's eye-touch I have big fingers, which contributes to my lack of direction in attempting to make Sara go places.Eugene bought me Starbucks this week! :D-Speaking of Ipods, Rachel Ho and me have decided to coordinate our intentions of purchasing an eye-pod-classic where after, we randomly came up with possible email addresses. I like, sitting next to you miss :) *glare*
-Last random picture I had of someone in my phone was Sam. When I opened my gallery this week, it was this I found- Keith and Adrian :)-Romeo bit me. ROMEO, BIT ME :( While I was trying to wrap him up and play with him in his blanky which used to be Sandra's when she was younger, the boy bit me. He did, apologise after though by licking me and looking at me with his ready tear filled eyes. Howw, do you get angry at that? :(
-Swimm, :) :), :)
-Happy Birthday Daddy Dearest.You are selfless, loving and strong above so many other unexplainably wonderful qualities. You are awesome, and I love you very, very much.
-Statements of the day;
1 "Hey Sarah, you know Lady GaGa doesn't wear pants? :)" -Teck Yan Tall.
2 Sarah: I wanna take up kickboxing. You want you want? :)
Yi Lin: Ooh, yes lets take up kickboxing then I can punch you :)
Sarah: -.- Noo, lets take up kickboxing so I can protect myself from you.
-Xin Hui suggested we take up lifeguard-ing to get certificates for fun. Apparently, cpr is required and we have to learn how to knock someone out unconscious to somehow keep them alive if they're in dire condition. So for about fifteen minutes in the Physics lab, we were both pressing our necks in various areas hoping to find that exact nerve spot which would knock us out.
"Uhh, so what happens when we find that spot and knock ourselves out then?" :/
And that, is about it.
'Taa lovely.